How did you know you were acting from what you know to be true?

It wasn’t an instant knowing. I had to come to it over a period of time. After consideration and talking to others I knew what was true for me. I had a growing feeling of rightness when I thought about it.  It became solid in here (points to chest). But I was not calm. I was nervous around acting. There was solid around the knowing what was right for me. But getting to that and then acting on it was not easy. I knew it was an important decision.

To get to this point I had to separate what was right for me and that I was going to act on it. The more I knew the truth, the harder it was not to act.  The more and more sure I became, the less and less chance there was I’d not act.

And then what happened?

There was a specific moment I knew I’d decided to act. I did one last check. I’d discussed what I was considering doing with a number of people whose opinion I respected – six as it happens. This helped me see what I may have missed, and to think things through. While telling one of them it was like the final piece went into place and I thought “I’m going to have to do this.” Then I knew it was only a matter of time. I said to myself, I’ll sleep on it to double check. When I awoke, it was a done deal.

Anything else about how you came to this knowing?

There’s an important historical factor. Five years ago I was faced with another similar decision. I thought “I’ll get around to it,” and “Someone else will do it”. But I didn’t get around to it and neither did anyone else, and that organisation collapsed. I vowed never to let this happen again. I don’t know if I would have acted this time without the first situation as a motivator. I felt bad I left it up to others. I let myself down and let others down. I had really clear knowledge of what could happen if I did nothing.

And are there any other factors?

Another factor was I knew in the long run I would feel better about myself. But I didn’t fully know the consequences. I didn’t know how it would turn out, thank heaven. If I had known how much angst it would cause, I might never have gone ahead with it. But if I didn’t act, the feeling bad about myself could have hung around for decades. Maybe I’d feel bad for the rest of my life. I was in angst for weeks before the final piece came into place. I knew it would nag and nag and nag at me, because the outside situation wasn’t going to change, it was getting worse. Although there were lots of reasons not to do it I felt it was the right thing to do. 

And where did you feel it was the right thing to do?

It was like a washing machine in my stomach. Slowly but surely the washing machine stopped and things became more and more solid. The issues got clearer. I could separate out my feeling from the bigger picture. I got clear about the issues, my feelings and the bigger picture. This was all part of my growing solidity. It got clearer as the turning slowed down, and it got more solid. Looking back I can see the slowing down, increasing clarity and growing solidity supported each other in a self-sustaining loop.

And is there anything else about that self-sustaining loop?

I could separate out taking the decision from my feelings. Even though I was nervous I realised I wasn’t doing this for me. Somebody had to do it and I just happened to be that somebody. But before I did anything I double- and triple-checked by getting external feedback. By the end I’d done everything I reasonably could to check before making my decision.  My decision to act.

Anything else about the moment you acted?

No more reasons not to. I’d run out of reasons for delaying, things to consider. When the last thing went into place, no more evidence was needed.

What’s the first thing you did?

It turned out that the first thing I did was an irreversible action. Once I’d started the ball rolling I couldn’t stop it. I composed an email. Then I pressed ‘send’.

And what happened just before you pressed ‘send’?

The moment just before, I did all the checks again in a minute. An extra quadruple check. But it was a done deal. I couldn’t back out. I couldn’t have lived with myself, it would have been too painful.

Anything else after you pressed ‘send’?

I notice there is a huge element of away-from in all this. Until I pressed ‘send’ I had no good feelings. Nothing to feel good about. My away-from feelings were immediate and filling my awareness. Until I pressed the send button, the good feelings were hypothetical. I didn’t get the good feelings until after I’d done it. If I had waited to feel the good feelings before doing it, I would have never got around to doing it!